The Egalitarian Approach To Orgasms

Contrary to comments that might be erroneously presented as helpful marriage advice, neither a husband's orgasm nor a wife's orgasm is more important than the other.  On one hand, those with patriarchal attitudes might be concerned with the pleasure of a man during sex at the expense of the woman's pleasure.  In response to this sexist attitude, some people commit the inverse error and encourage sexism in the opposite direction, focusing on the pleasure of the woman during sex more than on the pleasure of the man.

Both of these fallacious stances can only be put into practice within marriages when the offending husbands or wives exercise blatant selfishness.  Any approach to marital sexuality that elevates the orgasm of one spouse over the other is thoroughly antithetical to an egalitarian marriage--and to a Biblical and rationalistic one.  After all, Paul's comments on marital sex in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 acknowledge the sexualities of both parties and describe husbands and wives as having equal ownership of each other's bodies.

This does not mean that spouses always want sex at the same times, of course.  One spouse may, on a given occasion, decide to pleasure the other simply for the sake of the other's pleasure, even if he or she would otherwise forgo sexual interaction at the time.  However, in either this scenario or one where both spouses are mutually eager for sex, neither the husband nor the wife has an obligation to focus on their partner's pleasure rather than their own or to the hindrance of their own, as if their pleasure matters less because they are a man or a woman.

Biblical ethics aside, it is a logical fact that neither men nor women crave or need orgasms more than the other gender.  Likewise, neither men nor women desire sex to any particular extent because of their gender.  The only reason why some people act as if either men or women deserve more sexual attention and satisfaction is because they make assumptions about someone's sexuality based on whether they are male or female.  Although some people might be well-meaning when they perpetuate the myths behind stereotypes, they are doing something harmful and asinine.

In addition to having logical and Biblical problems, sexual stereotypes even interfere with the quality of marital sex.  Couples who consistently live out egalitarianism (unfortunately, many self-proclaimed "egalitarians" do not) have far more extensive opportunities for sexual fulfillment precisely because they do not prioritize one spouse's needs over those of the other outside of special circumstances--and because each spouse does not assume anything about their partner's sexuality or their own.  In such marriages, each partner can be satisfied without trivializing or distorting the other's desires.

Marriages of this kind are the sole way to ensure that neither the husband's sexual fulfillment nor the that of the wife is treated as if it possesses greater intrinsic importance for the health of the relationship.  The egalitarian approach to orgasms is the only one that does not involve a gender-based hierarchy of sexual needs.  A couple may prioritize one party's orgasm during specific times, but making the orgasms of one spouse a higher priority by default based upon their gender is irreconcilable to Biblical egalitarianism.