Only approximately one month stands between the current day and the time that marks the sixth year since I have pledged my life to Christ. The thought almost amused me. Clearly I am no newborn believer in Christ anymore, yet my first years of Christianity have contained some of the most unusual, unanticipated, and depressing experiences I could have confronted. In honor of my upcoming six year anniversary of becoming a Christian, I am compiling my memories and thoughts about the events in my life since that day. This series is not intended to philosophically dismantle the past errors in my life as much as it is to chronicle my spiritual and intellectual life and demonstrate to readers the revelations and agony of human existence.
I can scarcely remember the different Cooper that existed six years ago . . . one who regularly pondered about significant questions and enjoyed the emotional depth of life. That may seem to resemble my present self, but there are few similarities between the two. I was a fascinating amalgam of contradictions, naivety, ferocity, and undeveloped skill. When I first truly embraced God, I was neither a wholly selfless individual nor some depraved monster. No, I had yet to separately and temporarily embody both of those extremes during later periods of time. If questioned about my conversion moment, I honestly wouldn't know how to pinpoint it or fully convey the emotional and personal transformation I encountered. My relationship with God did very quickly inject a cleansing and redemptive effect into every compartment of my life, but I have trouble comprehending a specific moment when it started. I do recall the direct, immediate impact on my life in all of its dimensions, however. I remember humbly telling God that there were people who needed him far more than me and that there were those who deserved him far more than myself. As embryonic as my spiritual awareness was, I still could grasp and understand such things.
Constant prayer illuminated my life, as I truly did enjoy communicating with God during every conscious moment I experienced. I would often just allow my emotions to converse with God without formulating any particular words in my mind. After all, my emotions played a prominent role in every aspect of my life. I had not yet intellectually examined my religion or desired to become a rationalist of the most rational kind. At that time I suspected by intuition that if I had investigated the evidence and proof for Christianity I would have found confirmation of my faith on every level, though I did not yet feel or mentally sense the necessity of reason and strict logic and rationality. Because of this, my life and worldview were far simpler and various inconsistencies lay scattered about, some subtle and some overt.
A favorite experience was that of emotionally experiencing God's presence. There I found fulfillment, security, joy, pleasure, and contentment. The delight and ecstasy of feeling the renewal of my personal being energized me and imbued me with a new form of motivation that, in all probability, could have sustained me through any tragedy or confusion. Had someone asked me to define God, I would have struggled to articulate a precise summary and yet viewed the task of describing God as an easy one at the same time.
I did not expect the exhausting circumstances to come next.
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