Saturday, May 7, 2022

A Lasting Dating Relationship

Some evangelicals are so desperate to avoid dating someone they do not end up marrying that they mistake this for a Biblical command despite the Bible never teaching such a thing.  Even aside from the Bible, it would be irrational to actually believe anything more than that it is logically possible a given dating partner will last and that it is probable or improbable that they will last in accordance with the evidence.  There is no way to know with absolute certainty, which is the only way to know something, that dating a particular person will work out even if they have all the qualities necessary to develop a truly stable, mutual, and holistic romantic bond--qualities like a love of truth, openness, self-awareness, selflessness, and, of course, a thorough grasp of reason.


There is nothing automatically wasted about time spent in romantic relationships that do not lead to lifelong commitment.  The sooner more Christians realize this, the sooner they will have the keys to a more relaxed and, paradoxically, more authentic dating life.  Understanding something as it is always frees a person from whatever ideological errors and personal consequences might come about, and, in addition to there being no basis besides personal preference for the belief that dating is wasted if it does not lead to marriage, a person could develop quite the anxiety problem worrying about a situation they have no way of forcing to work out--and a forced relationship is not genuine to begin with.

The kind of evangelical who decries dating that does not always lead to marriage might ignore the benefits and blessings of a dating relationship that does not last.  The partners still had the opportunity to deeply bond with someone and potentially create a lifelong friendship that would outlast a breakup.  They still had the chance to learn various skills or philosophical knowledge from each other.  In fact, even the opportunity to enjoy the pleasure of romantic affection and emotional support without knowing if marriage (or lifelong commitment independent of legal marriage, as the latter is a social construct) would ever result from it is enough to justify a rational, self-aware, and morally upright man and woman dating each other.  Rational people do not even enter dating relationships believing that their dating will certainly unfold as they would wish.

No one can actually know if a romantic relationship will be permanent because no one can prove by logical necessity if it will even survive a single day longer, much less a month or a year and beyond.  It is always possible for something to happen that dissolves the relationship, at least in its dating form, and either leaves a nonromantic friendship or a bitter departure from contact with the former partner altogether.  This does not mean that there is nothing objectively or subjectively worthwhile about dating: a relationship between intellectual, moral, and spiritual equals is not cheapened by the possibility or actuality of it ending.  A certain type of person, a self-aware rationalist to be precise, can make the most of relationships either way.

Fear of dating someone that one will never marry can ironically lead to overlooking, rejecting, or driving away a person that would be an ideal partner with all of the qualities necessary for a deep, lasting relationship of a romantic or nonromantic kind.  This fear is not something that those who experience it might be able to will away, but they do not have to let it persuade them to make assumptions about the subject, misunderstand anything at all about dating or the perceived intentions of potential partners, or dictate their behaviors.  Whether a person has this fear or not, they are capable of understanding dating without letting their subjective insecurities interfere with their rationality or their actions.

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