I haven't often detailed my personal psychology and history on my blog except on rare occasions where I have used myself as an example of why certain limitations prevent us from knowing aspects of reality. Here I wanted to share some of the costs of my rationalism in a personal sense. I want others to understand that truth can be agonizing and that discovering it is not always simple or fun, for my rationalism has cost me much.
It has cost me many former beliefs.
Beliefs I once found my identity in I have since abandoned. Certain things I once viewed as wrong and things I once viewed as right are now understood in the exact inverse. My epistemology and worldview are dramatically different than they were five years ago. As someone sheds beliefs, perhaps ones that were instilled from childhood or by everyone ever encountered by him or her, the process can seem extremely painful and uncertain.
It has cost me my conscience.
While seeking to find moral truth through reason I came to realize that conscience, although it can seem almost unspeakably compelling, is nothing more than a subjective impulse that may be correctly oriented and may not be. This revelation devastated me, for I had always been such a conscience driven person. Conscience alone had driven me to despise racism, sexism, deception, torture, irrationality, and cruelty. But when I realized that my conscience and by extension the consciences of others aren't necessarily valid, I eventually ended up slowly distancing myself from conscience to the point where I found myself practically without one.
It has cost me relationships with others.
Truth and logic are so often in conflict with commonly held beliefs, the preferences of our hearts, our feelings, and the assumptions of our societies. I have experienced some rather dramatic and forceful conversations with other people in the name of truth, and not everyone appreciates my epistemology or its ramifications. Because of this, some of my familial relationships in particular have suffered. Also, my rationalism makes it difficult for most people to want to engage in deep friendship with me.
People often refuse to abandon ideas when they are proven to be false, impossible, or unverifiable, and thus I had to choose between rationalistic pursuit of truth and pleasing other people. I chose the former, obviously. No one can serve both at the same time.
It has cost me my own comfort and security.
Sometimes rationality comes at the cost of fulfillment. Since every person will have different perceptions of what is fulfilling, not everyone in their present state will be fulfilled by the truth, even if it turns out to be the most objectively good and beautiful thing possible. I am not exempt from this. While I have up until now always adapted my preferences to each truth I have discovered, I have struggled greatly with how my rationalism has sometimes led me to forfeit things I once found personal security in.
It has, at times, cost me my joy.
It can be very difficult, if not impossible, to find joy in many things or ideas when you are skeptical about them. There have been periods of my life as a rationalist where I have been quite depressed, indifferent, somber, unhappy, and unfulfilled. In my posts on theistic absurdism I have even declared this to be the inevitable destiny of people who do not have special divine revelation if they truly understand the predicament and absurdity of life that would result in different circumstances.
My Christian worldview enables joy because the two are inseparable, and I have found some comfort from this.
All of these things have been casualties sustained in my quest for knowledge. I write this post so that readers will not think that I have not personally sacrificed a great deal in my pursuit of truth and reason. I have understood for some time that truth is simply how things are and that it is futile to attempt to flee from it, and I have adapted my lifestyle, my priorities, and my epistemology accordingly. But that does not negate the difficulty of doing so at times.
Perhaps some of this information might help those enduring the same circumstances and transitions.
No comments:
Post a Comment